Hello bastards.

Bobby and I went to the park! It was our first time at a park and we were very excited!


VERY EXCITED!


Bobby ate some chicken!


That's when someone in the park took notice...we could feel his beady eyes on us from afar.


I'm not saying who, but his lax owner knows exactly who it was...


Bobby was being hunted.


By this bastard hunter dog:


But the hunter lost and Bobby's belly won.

Or did the Teriyaki Boy franchise win?


Or did styrofoam win this one?

Here's 20,000 links to Michael Moore's website.

LINKFORMATION FOR YOU

I know Michael Moore is irritating in many ways, but here is a long message he said that is like a nice kick in the democratic ballsack: Enough of the handwringing! Enough of the doomsaying! Stop with all the defeatism, OK? Bush IS a goner -- IF we all just quit our whining and bellyaching and stop shaking like a bunch of nervous ninnies. (Click to read more...)

Also from Moore's site: A paper in Bush's hometown eloquently endorses Kerry, though it had previously endorsed Bush.

Finally: Put a face to an overwhelming number.

MIA and TCHAIKO

Here's my ladyfriends Mia and Tchaiko.

We met in college. Tchaiko is a filmmaker. You will continue to hear about her projects here. She's got a documentary on the way. If you have money for her film, let me know. Mia helps deliver babies underwater and does political organizing (particularly for Third Wave, where she works).

This is our photoshoot.

Candid, laughing, and fun! With a rough and ready backdrop!


A little glamour now...yeah, glam it up, Red!


Not dating. They are not dating. They are just furious with themselves for being so attractive.


Who will be over or underexposed? It's always an exciting mystery, like a pinata or magic 8-ball, but less fun.

Rain, rain, go away, here's a recap of my day.

Started: Great. I did my favorite annoying thing at the end of my cab ride to work, and said to the cabbie: "Here's a little money for you..."

Then held out this little puppy!


He laughed and laughed! After I paid him I was disembarking and he garbled something to me. "What's that?" I asked.

"Good trick!"

He said good trick. That really kicked the day off on a huge high. Which may tell you something about the caliber of my days.

I went straight from work to see my friend Kathryn (Kat) in a play at 45 Bleecker.

She played a Mexican Ivy Leaguer. (It was a funny role and she did a great job.)

David Bennahum opened the evening (called "The Democracy Project") with a talk about the illogic of the Electoral College, and how a candidate can win the popular vote but not the presidency. Every vote doesn't count--in the same way. Here are all types of statistics and information from his speech (how different states are weighted in terms of voting power, etc.).

Then a ton of us went to eat across the street at the Noho Star, where I was envying a lady's steak behind me as we waited and waited for menus. Then suddenly, there was a huge commotion. The entire place froze, save for screams of "Is anyone a doctor?!" AS THAT VERY SAME LADY CHOKED ON HER STEAK. A young waiter saved her.

I think she may have been seated with the aforementioned David Bennahum.

Today's Moral: A good trick never gets old.

Runner up: Chew steak thoroughly.

From Spike:

IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME? I AM SCARED.

Did anyone else weep to this last night?

Extreme Makeover--HOME EDITION!! really knocked me on my ass last night. Did you motherfuckers watch it?

It was all about the Wofford family:

The dad was so lovable: .
His Christian bounty of children were joyous in biblical proportions when they saw each feature of their newly renovated home. Their saint-like mom had died somehow years earlier, which added to the manic intensity.

Toward the end, Mr. Wofford literally spent 2 or 3 minutes talking to his deceased wife's framed likeness (that had been considerately placed in a central, well-lit location in the new home). His 10 children gathered behind him as he wept and chattered with the portrait, and wept and held each other in the background. Imagine an 11-year-old girl stroking an 8-year-old boy's hair as they both cry silently and stare at their dad talking lovingly to an etching.

They were a religious family and thankful for every nail and every coat of paint in that house. It made me so proud and happy that I have become deeply involved with the Falun Gong.

Anyhow, I guess the formula worked. This Sunday they feature a family of 5 children whose mother was killed by a gangmember's stray bullet.

I'm Spike. And this is my story.

I was sleeping...I felt like someone was petting me, but petting me weird somehow.


I felt paralyzed by fear, my head was stuck to my drool covered pillow. It was like I couldn't move.


Then it was like the Manchurian Candidate. I was being prodded and information was planted in me.


Then I woke up.



I know information was planted in me, probably in my back. What should I do?

Senate Salaries

Interesting.

KIDS *ALERT*: Where to get your candy!

Mom, does sister Lucy count as a stranger?

No, I don't think so, baby. She seems like a perfectly legitimate candy distributor.

Are you sure, mama? For some reason I don't trust her handwriting. It creeps me out and seems very scary.



Don't be silly, sweetheart. Now let's head over to the Nazareth Nursery to purchase some of Sister Lucy's chocolates.

I'm scared.

No. Don't be.

I'm very, very frightened, I feel cold all over.

You shouldn't be frightened.

But I am, it's a persistent, nagging fear.

Find a way to squelch that fear so you can eat some of Sister Lucy's chocolates.

I don't think I can erase a fear of this depth. I mean I have a really, really strong feeling about this woman and her chocolates. I cannot stress enough, mother, how much I think it would be a bad idea to follow up on a sign such as this.



It doesn't matter what you feel. You are being silly. This is a very safe world and Sister Lucy is a normal component of it.

I'm not sure I follow...maybe I'm distracted by the feeling of sheer terror in the pit of my stomach and creeping into my bowels.

You'll feel better after eating some chocolates from Sister Lucy.

I really don't want to. I have a horrible premonition...





(To Be Continued)

Get Sirius!

Comedian Steve Hofstetter hosts a show called 4 Quotas on Sirius (satellite radio). I just did it with Andrea Rosen, Wali Collins and Exiene (sp?). It wound up being fun and airs Nov. 20. We talked for about an hour about silly things and made relentless fun of Wali for a particular comment he made. The studio is on the 36th floor and the views are amazing. Swearing is allowed!





There was some quote on the wall from Howard Stern about how satellite radio is going to take over...what do you all think? Does anyone subscribe?

TALKING INTERLUDE REVIEW: "You Don't Know My Name"

Hello? Can I speak to -- to Michael? Oh hey, how you doin? Uh, I feel kinda silly doin' this, But um, this is the waitress from the coffee house on 39th and Lennox You know, the one with the braids? Yeah, well I see you on Wednesdays all the time You come in every Wednesday on your lunch break, I think And you always order the special, with the hot chocolate And my manager be tripping and stuff Talking bout we gotta use water But I always use some milk and cream for you Cause I think you're kinda sweet. Anyway you always got on some fly blue suit 'n your cufflinks are shining all bright So, whatchu do? Oh, word? Yeah, that's interesting Look man, I mean I don't wanna waste your time but I know girls don't usually do this, But I was wondering if maybe we could get together Outside the restaurant one day Cause I do look a lot different outside my work clothes I mean we could just go across the street to the park right here Wait, hold up, my cell phone's breakin up, hold up Can you hear me now? Yeah So, what day did you say? Oh yeah, Thursday's perfect, man. -Alicia Keys

FRIDAY NIGHT:

This tableau represents a typical Friday night for me.



I just kick back in my I LOVE NERDS t-shirt with a nice cup of organic juice...and let the good times roll!

Decibel

You know, when I first moved to NY, Decibel was a very exciting place, something unique to the city that I felt I could never experience elsewhere. Recently I've been going there again--it is the best.



It's late night and yummy. Plus if you sit by the stairwell you can watch rats running up and down!

Oprah is on now. She's all cocky about her car giveaway.

Huge, shitty old phones, cross race line!

Why I don't know any geography:

Hey can you let me into your house?

I want to be inside of your house, helping you out.



I'll come to you. Just open the door and let me in.



Come on.

TODD JUST RECORDED HIS NEW CD at PIANOS.

I wanted to blog about it immediately.

Here's a picture of him and Andrea at an unrelated event:



Andrea had just stolen some hair product from a pharmacy (just a dab, dab, dab) and smoothed it into her hair. As you can see it really worked out!

The picture is also a link to Todd's website, where I particularly enjoy the receipts museum.

P.S. Is there a Headshot Grant?

Any info on this would be helpful. I want to be able to pay for my headshots and a generous grant would make a huge difference.

Ever seen this Mr. Fish cartoon? It's up on my wall and I love it.

It pretty much sums up everything you need to know about trying to be a professional and make money in comedy and the arts.

L O C K E D U P ! !

As it well should be.



At least it's only $250 dollars used.

Pasta Recommendations

I know, I know. You read this blog for one reason only. Good pasta recommendations.

Here they are:

The Carbonara at Cremcaffe. It's more like a genuine Italian version. There's no cream in it. Just egg, pancetta (they recently switched to bacon but it's still good), parmesan, black pepper.

Spaghetti Limonata at Lil Frankie's is out of this world. Isn't that original writing that gives you a good sense of flavor and style? Again, it is like pasta dishes I had in Italy in that it is very simple but incredibly flavorful and satisfying. I think they put butter, lemon juice (maybe zest), and really good cheese. Then I put black pepper all over it.

Now, speaking of Lil Frankie's...apparently they have a waiter who like to shake his "lil Frankie" if you know what I mean. I was eating dinner and a commotion broke out. I turn and there is a mexican guy dancing barefoot on a tabletop as a group of females cheers raucously.

Here is that man (and his fans):







This was the sexiest part:


He bunched his panties up inside his butt!

TOOTH LIKE A TIC TAC!

(Friends, that was an Adele Givens Def Comedy Jam 1993 reference! Givens was talking about how her lips are so big, that the male genitalia was in fact diminished by comparison: "Dick like a tic tac!")

Aaaaanyhow.

My dear friend Jessica works for this guy David, who had a bad run-in with a dentist called Dr. Rosenthal. He went to get veneers on his teeth (veneers of happiness...) and Dr. Rosenthal guaranteed he could take them off whenever he wanted. MEANWHILE, Rosenthal shaved his teeth down to little nubs, so there was no fucking way he could ever take those veneers off. Unless he "had a thing" for babyfood and being a freak.

Like a needle in a haystack...

"Where's the TEETH?"

So, Jessica's pal David, after refused a refund, went fucking ballistic. He started the site Bad Dentist .com (click on toothy grin above to go there) and had Jessica standing outside Rosenthal's office handing out flyers of protest.

This is the best part, check out the dentist. He has a headshot. HAhahaa.


My light side tells you the teeth will be fine, juuuust fine. BUT THE DARK SIDE KNOWS BETTER!!

What a fucking tool.

Anyhow, what do you think? Is this an inspiring story of consumer savvy ala Fight Back with David Horowitz? Or just two insane persons locking horns?

Either way: don't go to Dr. Rosenthal, right?

Keep your eyes open and your mind alert or you may fall prey to false advertising.

Look at this clever little trick to make you think tamales qualify as a light snack:





Sure, slip it in there with the salads, why not? You bastards.

Uncle! UNCLE!

You know guys, I have this great running joke I do with friends and family. If we go out to eat, when the bill comes, I do this trick where I say very casually (maybe TOO casually) "Here, let me put a little money in..." AND THEN I BUST THIS GUY OUT ! !



And they are usually just laughing and laughing with me (course, I always seem to be laughing the hardest!) and it makes for a wonderful end to a meal.



Paying the bill is always fun, but this type of shennanigan makes it even more so!