"I have squealings for you..."

This is a page torn from a calendar I MUST HAVE. It was used to decorate a wall I saw in CA. All pictures of pigs in ridiculous get-ups with horrible puns. I believe another one was AMERICAN REVOLUSHAM. What?

Must track down this calendar and own it.

Really thought the Glide warning merited more of an outburst...

Are there no avid flossers out there? No Glide fanatics brought to their knees? Whatever.

Here's another photo from modernpooch:



Love the grimness and solemnitude of his facial expression.

NO ON GLIDE??!!

Just got my teeth cleaned. Here's a warning for all you meticulous flossers: GLIDE DOESN'T WORK. My dentist just told me. She said use Johnson & Johnson, the kind that can fray. Glide is too smooth to be effective.

I had plaque that she scraped off (love that gritty cleaning feeling!) and she says if I switch over I should be fine.

Consider yourselves warned you pieces of shit.



P.S. No cavities! Another Peretti with a clear record.

YOU WILL NEVER GET ENOUGH...

This new blog is aaaalllll dogs, all day, all night.

Videos...pix...interesting news items... (But particularly--Videos!! Pics!!). Sigh.



This blog takes dogs-being-pimped-by-humans (or vice-versa?) to the next level. It's what you call AN INSTANT HIT.

Happy Interact With Your Family Day!!!

AKA
Argue Over Recipes Day!
AKA
Nervously Monitor Alcohol Consumption at Table Day!
AKA
Wonder If You Act That Way Day!
AKA
Explain Why Your Boyfriend Didn't Come Day!
AKA
Feel White Guilt About Small Pox Day!
AKA
Hang Out With Dad's Third Wife Day!

To be continued...

UPDATE: 1-800-FLOWERS

Okay, so I traveled all the way across the country for the holidays and happened to catch the tail-end of my mother's 1800-flowers floral bouquet's life.....AND....

YOU WERE RIGHT.

I have come 180 degrees on this and now agree with the prevailing opinion: the bouquet is complete bullshit.

I was wrong and you were right.

BTW, I'm watching 24, the first series...

these days and it is the most intense, cliffhangery show EVER. Can't stop.

I do realize I'm like eight years late on this. But that's part of the FUN. Because no one is gabbing about it at work or in bars or anywhere really.

So it's all mine now.

Almost too many cliffhangers.

Busy blogger...

OKAY, so not busy BLOGGING, but busy nonetheless. I've been working my ass off on prepping the tech side of my one person show (dec 14th at 8pm, dec 16th at 10). Here's a little description for you:

FLOATING PALACE is the new solo show from stand-up comic / writer Chelsea Peretti (blackpeopleloveus.com, rejectionline.com ).

This comedic show casts its beady eye on the human instinct to communicate--from prehistoric times to Ms. Peretti's present--with a focus on personal and historic letters and letterwriting. Objects come to life, a special ghost lurks, slides and short films burst into projection.

Watch as Chelsea reels from fictional losses, making solid jokes all the while! Immerse yourself in her wide-ranging collection of multimedia stimuli...Enter the FLOATING PALACE.

Directed by Michael Showalter.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EJIKE!!!!!!!!!!

TIP CLOCK.

We felt we could wait no longer. Everyone else in the restaurant seemed to be getting doted on attentively by the two waiters, except for us.

As we waited, and waited, and waited for our check, Ejike had an idea...


Oh yeah? We'll see who gets the last laugh...











TIP CLOCK.

If you missed last night's show...

these pictures really capture the essence of my performance:

Weakened by Southern Comfort...


Yet energized by an exciting wireless microphone!


More pics here.

Jagermeister = Olive Branch ?

Gang, I put a lot of time into this...so EYES OPEN.

After my big trick on you guys (remember the one where I first said I loved black licorice and then said I didn't?) I felt like we needed some healing. I knew a lot of you were hurting really bad.

As one of you astutely noted, in all the crazy turmoil, I had forgotten about Jagermeister.


Using the flimsy premise of Jagermeister as a uniter, I have done some phony research and feel certain it's going to put us back on the right path.

Especially when compiled into an incorrectly concepted Venn Diagram.


(This is where I made it:
)

I discovered two incidental things in the making of this post:
1.) the correct spelling of Jagermeister.
2.) that all my life I have been imagining just two overlapping circles when I constantly reference Venn Diagrams. That WASN'T EVEN AN OPTION. Do you get it? Do you get what that means? I was always wrong--and may never understand what the hell they are for. I mean does this make sense to anybody?

John Venn, I am humbled, sir. Your logic runs circles around me.

Commenters: consider this an olive branch to mend our trust and restore peace to the world.

(Please rise)
LICORICE CANNOT STOP US, FOR WE ARE FAR STRONGER.

Just kidding, I actually hate black licorice.

I just wanted to see if people would get all riled up about black licorice.

I love black licorice.

Mmm, black licorice!

Flowers off of 1-800-flowers.com

The photo on their site:



How they actually looked:

CNN

It was fun watching CNN today to see the many different ways people could say "Colin Powell has resigned." Long ways, short ways, serious ways, light ways, babbling ways, cagey ways--an infinite variety of storytelling styles! For breakfast I think the whole team over at CNN eats re-hash browns.

NAMES CNN COULD ADOPT TO GET MORE SPECIFIC THAN "CABLE NEWS NETWORK":

Synonym & Rephrase Central
Surmising Syndicated
Extrapolation, ENT.
Circular Studios
Same Story Over and Over, Inc.
One Talking Point with Slight Stylistic Variations, LTD.
Very Little Info, LLC.
Constantly Droning Yet Urgent Tone Co.
Expert Opinions on Things That May or May Not Happen Network

Etc.

I know that LTD and LLC don't really apply, but felt like it was fun to use those.

Tuesday Night Blogger Show at PS122

I'll read something.
Tickets: $7.00
For reservations, call 212-477-5288

What I look for in a man...

For starters...if his status ain't hood, I ain't checkin for him.

He better be street if he's looking at me. I need a soldier that isn't scared to stand up for me. I want a rude boy that's good to me, with street credibility. He really needs to make me lose my breath...and be really, really street.

Also, a millionaire.

GUIDE: What not to get your parent--for any occasion.

As I was searching for a good gift for one of my parents, I came across a couple definitive no-nos:

In the MUSIC category...



In the LITERATURE category...



Aaaaand in the CAKE category...

FREEDOM FRIES!

Remember Freedom Fries?

Tchaiko's FILM needs a home on the web...

Here is a still:


Do you know anyone who could hook up free or low cost web hosting and/or a simple design for a site that would support this film? The site would have: trailer, cast/crew bios, screening schedule, etc.

(Would it help if you got impressed that she just got a Ford Foundation grant for her other project, a documentary?)

Her email is: tchaiko@mac.com

This is not hilarious to me.

This is hilarious to me.

TONITE!

TUESDEE NOV. 9TH...AT 10PM!

SPECIAL SPECIAL SHOW! "THE VARIETY SHAC." AT GALAPAGOS. FREE!
Featuring our funny new short film!

With: Chelsea Peretti, Andrea Rosen, Heather Lawless, Becky Yamamoto, Mike Albo, Allison Silverman, and Shonali Bhowmik! Please join us!

COME TO OUR SHOW!


SHONALI, HEATHER, ANDREA, CHELSEA

Advertising Review

NETFLIX POP-UPS ON CNN.COM You absolutely suck. Not just in that you're a stupid dvd delivery service popping up everytime I want to check the toll of the dead, but in that you're an overpriced, ridiculous dvd delivery service I have never and will, likely, never subscribe to. I don't even have a dvd player. Netflix you remind me of Sprint in that your plan reeks of impossibility.

SECRET DEODORANT ADS "Strong enough for a woman." I really like it, Secret. I really do enjoy this new campaign so far. Not only because of the Virginia Slims style pandering to the women's lib movement, but also because the images are so sharp and eye-catching. The women look striking, fresh, and clean. Now all you have to do is shitcan your logo and you are on your way to Buysville! (That said, I will probably continue to smell like a man named Tom, from the state of Maine. With Arrid Total for special events!)

EVIAN AD The one with the flower up above Lafayette and Bleecker is a beauty. It is a simple flower on a white background--a splash of natural beauty in the midst of sprawling urban chaos. Every time I see it I think, see, if all ads were like this one, I wouldn't hate myself, and I wouldn't hate ads. Also: models. However, Evian still sucks.

The best water continues to be Dasani. Just kidding. Volvic.

I finally

did the kind of yoga where you're in a hot, hot room. Beforehand, I was concerned about the smells and dizziness, etc, none of which materialized during the hour and a half class. I have to say, this was my first jaunt back into the world of exercise (post canceling my gym membership and obsessive pilates regimen) and it felt great.

Today, I am sore in every nook and cranny.

But that has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE YOGA!


BANG! BANG!

One sex joke, outta the stable.


ps let's not talk about sex ever again or even in the comments section.

One Georgia man's reaction to Bush re-election.

Shot himself dead at the WTC site.

I'm pretty sure

I have a neighbor who eats mainly boiled Balogna.

"Hey! It's 9AM, what say I put on a pot of Bologna Boil?"

That way the thick, dense air of pungent smell can fill my apartment, as if I had stapled a slab of rank meat on the spout of a humidifier.

SPAMMER IN THE SLAMMER!

Now, this is justice!

We will always have the memories...

Supreme Court. . .hope?

I don't care who he is at this point, just please let this man help A to the M to the ER-ICA move forward as opposed to backward. I get about an abortion a month, so I really can't have Roe V. Wade reversed.

JUST KIDDING CHRISTIAN RIGHT!!!! Once a year, once a year.

National Resources Defense Council

Yall: Get your last camping trips in! And take plenty of pictures, so you will be able to describe what nature was to your kids!

"This administration, in catering to industries that put America's health and natural heritage at risk, threatens to do more damage to our environmental protections than any other in U.S. history. Here is NRDC's account of what the Bush administration has done and is doing on environmental matters."

Lyrics to Eminem's MOSH

READ HERE!